Baby fever…
My baby turned 2 years old earlier this month and boy do I have baby fever. It’s definitely bittersweet for me. It’s crazy how fast time has flown by with him. We all agree that he didn’t stay a baby for long and the milestones have all happened quickly. Since he’s 6 years younger than our next one up, we’ve really made a point to enjoy every moment with him even if it feels like they haven’t lasted long enough. It’s forced us to stop and really take it all in.
When my husband and I got married 17 years ago, we started with 4 kids (being a blended family) and we both wanted a big family. God blessed us with our first 2 days before we celebrated our one year anniversary. From then on we had a new baby every 2 years (or less) up until our 9th child. It was/is our #beautifulchaos. Those years were hard, and beautiful, and hard. So many amazing memories, and so many hard ones as well. My husband worked 3 jobs (Manager @ Costco, UPS part-time, and a Realtor) to make ends meet and making it so I could stay home with our babies. We were so blessed. We often look back and wonder how we did it, but we always conclude that God made it all happen. I miss those days, believe it or not. I miss growing life inside my womb and the anticipation of the arrival of that little life. I miss my husband staying home with us after the baby is born and enjoying those postpartum weeks. I miss the tininess a baby holds and the sweet bonding moments. I miss having a baby, and a toddler (or 2), and a preschooler, and all the little stages and the chaos of having so many littles. I miss all the sweet littleness and innocence those little people brought to our life. It’s weird to think that won’t be happening this time around. My little man is the only little we have right now.
I had a traumatic birth with our 9th, which ended with her in the NICU for a week, so I let fear get the best of me after that experience. Four years after that, I got pregnant and then lost that baby when I was three months along. That was hard. So, when we got pregnant with our littlest, we were surprised and felt so beyond blessed to be able to experience again all the wonderful things a baby brings. And now my baby is 2 and he’s the last of that littleness, and boy do I long for another baby. Not because I’m not thankful for all the beautiful arrows God has added to our quiver, but because new life brings so much joy and gratefulness and excitement and anticipation. I think I’ll always want another baby. I think that’s a God-given desire, and I hope I always look at new life with hope and wonder and gratitude, in awe of what our heavenly Father does.
It’s not easy submitting your family size to God, but I believe He knows my heart and knows what’s best for me and I trust Him now more than ever. Being the age I am now and realizing my youngest is more than likely my last, I wish I had been more trusting back in my younger years. Even so, I’m so thankful for our youngest little Arrow and the blessing he is to our family and that my heavenly Father saw it fit to gift us one more time. I look back at the years of our fertility and believe more than ever how important it is to let go and let God be in control of it. So, even if I don’t have another baby, I’m at peace. The baby fever will, God-willing, subside as I enjoy the next seasons we enter into.
