The God of my seasons…

The seasons of parenting Littles and Bigs has always been interesting. You never know where life will take you. You make plans, and in an instant those plans can change. One thing that I will never get used to as a mama is watching my child go through pain. Whether it’s emotional, physical, sickness, it can be traumatizing and heartbreaking to endure.

Our 3rd oldest son was a very active kid. Always wanting to try fun and exciting things. He built a zipline in our backyard, loved surfing, rock climbing, hiking, skateboarding, whatever was accelerating and outdoors, he would try it. It was not easy for me to let go and let him explore and have fun. Even so when he wanted to do back flips on our trampoline, I let him. When he tried to move onto solid ground and do back flips, I let him. One Sunday morning while we were getting ready to eat a late breakfast and just hanging out as a family, our son tried to do a back flip from standing on our lawn, by himself, even though he had been having his brother spot him before. This time he didn’t have anyone spotting him and he didn’t clear the flip. All we heard was him cry out and run to lay down while grabbing his neck. He was in agonizing pain, grabbing his neck, and saying “It hurts so bad!” So, I called 911 because we didn’t know how severe the injury was. The ambulance ride to the hospital, the waiting in the emergency to see if he broke his neck, were the longest moments of my life! Praying, hoping, waiting. Thankfully, he only sprained his neck and would recover. The not knowing is the hardest.

When our youngest daughter was 2, she broke her arm on our trampoline. She had to go under anesthesia to have her bone set so they could cast it. Seeing my sweet little baby girl in so much pain and come out of that medication was awful. After that, we got rid of the trampoline.

In January of 2019, our oldest son got into a motorcycle accident that could have killed him. He was 19 at the time. Walking into the trauma unit at the hospital and seeing him in the bed, alive, took everything in me not to break down. I remember looking at his helmet and seeing where the road completely scraped it. It was shocking to look at, realizing that could have been his face/head. I held it together to stay strong for my son while in the room with him. It wasn’t until my husband and I walked outside for a moment that I lost it. Watching my son living through such a traumatic accident and then watching him process it all emotionally was A LOT. Your kids hurt and all you want to do is take that pain away and make it better for them.

Exactly one month ago our 2 year old (our baby boy) stopped breathing, and I saw the life go out of his eyes and face. I can’t get that moment out of my head. He had been sick for a day and a half and we were about to take him in to get checked out and he just started gasping for air and then stopped breathing. My husband had to give him CPR while I called 911. Thankful that they showed up in less than 5 minutes. I’m even more thankful that he started breathing again before they got there. We were rushed to the emergency room and admitted into the PICU. That’s not where the trauma ended. That night they started talking about intubating him because of how bad his vitals looked. It was a whirlwind of emotions that we felt as they explained to us all the ways the virus he had was attacking his little body. During the days he looked great, and then the night would come and things would go downhill. Those nights were cold and dark and seem to go on forever and made me long for the light of day. I wanted so badly to feel God’s loving arms surrounding me, to feel His touch. I was at my baby’s bedside, on my knees, even on my face at times, praying for a miracle. Singing songs of worship and praying out loud over him. Seeing my baby with a full oxygen mask helping him breathe while he was sedated and the machines and monitors that surrounded him, keeping him from getting worse, was overwhelming. We were completely at God’s mercy and that was so hard. We had so many people praying. Hundreds of people. Our medical team was amazing, an answer to the prayer I prayed with my other kids before going to the hospital. Our hospital room had rainbow decals on every wall…reminding me of God’s promises. We were in the hospital for 8 days.

We had made plans to go see our 2nd oldest graduate from CHP academy, before our youngest got sick. So much changed, in such a short time. So much heartache and grief and holding our breath because there was so much uncertainty. A season of waiting and heartache and unknown. Surrendering to God’s mercy.

Broken bones, serious accidents, toddlers falling and bonking their heads, toddlers falling and damaging teeth, teen problems, losing a baby in miscarriage and watching your other kids grieve, serious sickness, it’s all so hard, and unfortunately all part of the seasons we go through in life. I don’t like it. It’s HARD and I never get used to the knot in the pit of my stomach or the emptiness I feel. The moments when it all gets too overwhelming and I just want to crawl out of my skin are the hardest. It makes me think of Job in the bible, and how hard it must have been for him to endure the heartbreak and the trials he went through, especially being a righteous man. He questioned God, but in the end he praised Him and honored Him.

Through all these hard seasons in my life I am thankful that there was One True God, Jehovah Jireh. I’m thankful for Jesus, my Savior, knowing He knows suffering. It wasn’t easy for me. See, I know He is a God of promises and He is mighty and all powerful. And just like Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, I knew He was always able to save me and my children. He was able to heal and bring us through. I think the scary part was accepting if it was His will or not. In these moments, I often think on this scripture Mark 9:24b: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Oh how I have prayed this so many times before. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Yet through it all He is my God. He is Just. He is True. He keeps His promises. He loves me, even when I don’t feel it, because without His comfort and answered prayers, I would be lost. He went before us and prepared the way for us. He answered our prayers with wisdom and care.

He is and always will be the God of my seasons.

“The LORD your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you,” Deuteronomy 1:30a

“And the LORD, He is with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

“The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” Exodus 14:14